a funk and being content

I'm reading a book right now that has an interesting quote in it that touched my heart. It starts by saying "people who feel the most and deepest become writers..." Let me give you some background on the last few years of my life:

Back when I started college, I wasn't sure what I wanted to major in. I declared biology with an emphasis on neuroscience and was determined to become a pediatric neurologist (um, let's not look at the irony that I'm now a mom of two who stays home all day changing diapers and coloring pictures of Barney... and thinking of nothing other than who ate when and what to make for dinner. I know, I know.) After my first semester of medical biology, I realized that as much as I loved the profession, I didn't love the steps that I'd have to take to get there. I like the people side of medicine a whole lot more than the science side.

The next semester I was still undecided, so I switched to business. A good general degree that would lead to a job, right? Two weeks in, I switched to a program that allowed me to design my own major and become licensed in education. I spent hours designing my perfect degree and getting it approved by my advisor just to switch majors again. This time, I chose English writing.

I always liked writing and it seemed to come naturally. I never lacked subject material and found myself enjoying my classes more than I thought I would. I sped through and finished my first year.

Then I got married.
Then I had Gabe.

I continued on with school and pressed through my fifty-page papers, loving most projects and assignments even with a newborn baby by my side. I finished my degree in three years, minored in Leadership, and went on my way. I started thinking about graduate school and what I really wanted to do with my life.

Orders came, we moved to TN, and I had Claire. Now I'm still in that mindset, thinking of what I want to do and when to go back to school. In the meantime, I've quit writing, started feeling guilty for not doing enough, and have questioned myself and my abilities.

Why? I'm not sure. I think I lack the 'feeling' that originally spured my writing. I'm simply too busy to think much deeper than the surface most days. I'm sure most of you mothers that read this blog can relate and feel the same way. I question what I'm truly capable of when Gabe challenges me and doesn't respond to discipline, when my tasks most days seem repetitive and mundane, when I feel like "anyone can be a mother", etc. I've felt uninspired and out-of-place.

All of these feelings cumiliated in the title of this post: a funk. A long, almost-two-year funk.

I'm not sure what direction this blog will go. Right now, it simply serves a place to put pictures and little stories of our days. It's for the grandparents that don't see their grandbabies each day. It's for my memory since I am terrible at updating the baby books. It's for Aaron when I forget to tell him what we did each day. It's for my friends who live out of town.

What it hasn't been is as a creative outlet for me, which is suprising given my educational background.

I'm still looking toward grad school and the GRE. I'm not sure when I'll take it and when I'll get moving on a degree. There are pros and cons to each side: it never gets easier to go back, the longer I'm out of school the more rusty I'll get, I value my education and being challenged, etc. but the babies are young, I honestly enjoy being home with them, we move a lot, and we (eventually) would like to expand our family.

I might start writing more the way I did two years ago. I might not. I might go back to school soon. I might not. I might travel to all the places I want. I might not.

But the one thing I am going to do is to quit feeling guilt for all the things I'm not doing and start being proud of what I am doing: raising two kids who challenge me and teach me more about life than any school book could. I'm going to make a conscious effort each day to realize that motherhood is a calling and is making me holy. I'm going to be proud that I am a mother, even if I am young, and focus on the blessings that God has given to me in my children and my husband.

I'm going to quit feeling guilty for not being back in school and start being proud that I am choosing to raise my children to be servants to our God, even if that starts with cleaning up spit up and trucks all day long. I'm going to give those moments to God and trust that in return, I'm going to be fulfilled with a peace knowing that this is worthy work- quite possibly the most worthy work I could ever do. I'm going to quit (unintentionally) believing the world that I need to do more to prove myself and believe God that I need less to do His work. It's right here, in front of me, in my own home.

I challenge you all to do the same. Quit focusing on what other women around you seem to be "accomplishing" and be proud that you were chosen to be here, at this time, doing what you are.

Ecclesiastes 3: a time for everything...